terça-feira, 5 de agosto de 2008

As vertentes da realidade

Primeiro eu gostaria de enfatizar que eu já até tinha esquecido que tinha atualizado o blog ontem a noite. Mas devido aos comentários recebidos em meu e-mail eu lembrei e por causa disso vou postar nele.
Gostaria de começar falando sobre o fato de fazerem 4 meses que estou afastado desse blog. Meu último post falava sorbre as mudanças que eu havia sofrido desde minha mudança para São Paulo. Pois bem, não sei dizer se mudei mesmo. Talvez tenha me acostumado com meu novo eu, mas no fundo eu sinto que continuo o mesmo, e o mundo em minha volta, tão tristemente não mudou também.
Estou onde queria estar, conhecendo as coisas que queria conhecer. Porém não tem o gosto de futuro que eu sentia a 1 ano atrás. Não posso dizer que simplesmente posso voltar a viver minha vida de antes que não iria fazer diferença. Isso é algo impossivel. Adquiri uma semi liberdade e independencia que preciso trabalhar para formar meu futuro. A parte complicada é que eu não sei qual será meu futuro. O primeiro grande passo em direção aos meus sonhos era justamente morar em São Paulo e começar uma faculdade. Estou em São Paulo, numa situação confortável de comida e moradia gratuitas, estou cursando numa universidade renomada. Mesmo assim, isso não está sendo tão bom quando deveria. Inclusive o plano de treinar ciclismo está sendo levado adiante. De vez em quando apenas, é verdade. Mas ir para Interlagos de bicicleta as 9h da noite num sábado foi uma experiencia que trouxe uma boa visão de o que é pedalar numa cidade grande. A questão é que não consigo entender o motivo dos meus outros passos... o primeiro que eu dei já pisei na lama ao invés de pisar numa grama verde e macia. As coisas boas que aconteceram até agora não parecem tão boas como eu gostaria. Tudo é demoniacamente complicado e sistematizado. Quando mais perto você tenta estar da Liberdade, mas longe você fica dela. A não ser que vá para Manhattan e vá visitar a estátua.
Mas enfim...
Morar numa cidade com milhões de habitantes e ainda sim ter uma egoista certeza de que você é tão somente único quanto jamais foi pode assustar.
Os lugares que frequenta são repetitivos. As pessoas que se relaciona são repetitivas. Seus próprios pensamentos são repetitivos. É o sentimento de estar em algum lugar para chegar a lugar nenhum.
Você olha para trás e vê apenas uma variação engraçada de tudo que está vendo atualmente.
O mundo não muda. Nem você.
E como eu não mudo, não mudei, nem mudarei jamais, me parece certa a idéia de me render ao que gosto de fazer em qualquer realidade que esteja vivendo. Escrever.
É por isso que decidi fazer Letras no fim do ano, e espero que eu consiga.
Enfim... cansei de falar aqui...
Quero assistir Nome Próprio.
Vou organizar meu quarto, lavar roupa, separar os papéis do Coseas, bandejar, etc e tal...
E é isso ae.
Sem mais nada a dizer.
Um dia volto com algo mais concreto.
Talvez pedra ou um tijolo.
Até mais ver.

16 comentários:

Mokitty disse...

Primeiro que, tijolo e pedra não são concreto - só se fosse um bloco de concreto. xD
Ok, mas falando sério, vocÊ resolveu escrever um pst se contradizendo ou querendo dizer que se enganou sobre tudo?
Ah, eu acho que a mudança acontece de forma suave a ponto de não notarmos. Eu acho que mudar é a mesma coisa que crescer, a gente não nota quanto centímetros vamos ganhando com o passar dos anos, só lembra de quando vê as fotos ou quando algo simples quanto lavar o rosto faz você perceber.

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